Parenting is changing- And So Am I.

Parenting looks different now than when we were kids. We have more information, more awareness, and more tools. But with that comes the challenge of figuring out how to use it all while still unlearning things from our own upbringing.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how I was parented, how I want to parent, and what actually works. I don’t want to be an authoritarian parent (“You listen to me because I said so”), but I also don’t want to be so passive that my kids grow up without guidance.

What I’ve landed on is something in the middle.

A mentorship-style approach to parenting.

I guide my kids. I teach them what I learn as I learn it. I talk to them like humans, not mini adults who are supposed to have it all figured out. Most of all, I focus on staying connected with them.

This doesn’t mean I get it right all the time, but I know what doesn’t feel right, so I’m listening to that, and learning as I go.

The Moment I Knew I Had to Shift Something

A few years ago, before our house was built, we were living in a camper. My kids were little, and the baby/toddler years were SO hard for me. 

One evening, my oldest kiddo wouldn’t listen to me, and I lost it. I screamed. Loud. And didn’t stop for a while. If you were my neighbor, you probably would’ve been concerned.

Then the guilt hit. I cried. I apologized. But then I had this thought: Should I even be apologizing? I’m the parent. He should listen to me, right?

But something deep inside of me—probably my inner child—was saying, This isn’t okay. This isn’t how you want to parent.

That was the first moment I realized I needed to shift something.

Unlearning Everything I Thought I Knew

That night cracked something open in me, but I didn’t fully start doing the work until later.

Then, I got really sick after having COVID in 2022. I had six months of intense physical and mental symptoms, and it brought up a lot of emotions I hadn’t dealt with before. Anger, resentment, things I hadn’t even realized I was holding onto. (If you want to read more about that, click here). 

I started questioning a lot about my past—my childhood, my teen years, my relationship with my parents. Not in a way that blamed them (well.. total transparency here- I did resent A LOT about my relationship with them at first, but I don’t now), but in a way that made me realize I had a lot to unpack.

Through therapy, self-reflection, and a lot of reading and spiritual work, I started to see what I needed more of (and less of) as a kid and what I wanted to do differently with my kids.

Parenting Like a Mentor, Not a Boss

I don’t want my kids to listen to me just because I’m the adult. That doesn’t teach them anything. But I also don’t want them growing up without structure or boundaries.

So instead of just parenting, I’m mentoring.

That doesn’t mean I let them do whatever they want. It doesn’t mean I don’t set rules. It means I show them how to regulate emotions, how to think through problems, and how to handle hard moments—by actually doing it myself.

Real Conversations That Shift Everything

I don’t sit my kids down and say, “Alright, today’s lesson is emotional regulation.”

I talk to them like humans.

One of the biggest moments for me was during my post-COVID anxiety spiral. I wasn’t sleeping, my anxiety was HORRIBLE, I had Lyme symptoms as well as other phyiscal aches going on. I was snapping so easily. One day, my oldest looked at me when I was crying and asked, “Is it because of me?”

That moment was AMAZING. I’m so happy he asked me that. He wasn’t internalizing my emotions (well.. maybe a little, but I won’t ever know) and he felt comfortable enough to ask! 

His question gave me the chance to say, “No, this is my stuff. I love you so much. You actually make me feel better. But it’s not your job to fix me. My emotions are mine to deal with.”

That conversation planted a seed. And now, when I mess up—and I still mess up (a lot some days)—I make sure to repair.

I’ll say, “Hey guys, I’m sorry I reacted that way. I’m still learning how to handle my emotions. It’s not your fault, but I did get upset. Let’s figure out how we can handle this differently next time.”

And I can see it working. They’re listening. When they are in their room playing together, sometimes they use the exact language when talking through problems, as I use with them.

P.s. They NEVER talk like this when they know I'm around or listening (LOL), only when they think I'm not there.

Building Connection in Everyday Moments

It’s not just about words. It’s the little things that build connection:

• Sitting with them when they cry instead of telling them to stop.

  
  

• Encouraging them to physically release their emotions and long as they dont hurt themselves or others (punching a pillow, running it out, screaming into a pillow if they need to). 

• Holding them when they want to be held, and giving them space when they don’t.

• If they try to hit me, I grab their wrist (I’m not hurting them) and say, “I won’t let you hurt me.” Not shaming them, just showing them that’s not how we handle emotions.

• Sending them little “I love you” gestures across the room, at a playdate, or outside the house.

These small things remind them: I see you. You’re safe with me.

Holding space for them, being observant of their emotions (rather than fixing them), and keeping my emotions separate from theirs has been life-changing for our emotional outburst moments. 

The Struggle of Finding Balance

I’ve swung both ways—too strict, too lenient. And I know I’m not alone in this.

Most of us are parenting differently than we were raised, which means we’re figuring it out as we go. We’re reprogramming our nervous systems while raising kids at the same time.

So yeah, sometimes I catch myself leaning toward “Just listen to me!” parenting.

Other times, I let too much slide. But this is the work. This is the space where change happens.

It’s in those split-second moments where we choose to parent differently. That’s what matters.

What I Hope for My Kids

I won’t know how this all plays out until they’re older. But here’s what I hope:

• That they grow up with some sort of emotional intelligence.

• That connection (with boundaries) and compassion for themselves and others are absolutely necessary for emotional health & regulation. 

• That they know how to navigate hard conversations.

• That they don’t feel like they have to suppress emotions just to be accepted or worthy.

• That they know they can always come to me, no matter what.

• That when they become parents (if they choose to), they take what I’ve taught them and make it even better.

Hopefully, this keeps our family connected long-term in a way that feels real and authentic. 

Final Thoughts

I’m not trying to be a perfect parent. I’m just trying to be aware. To evolve. To meet my kids where they’re at while also meeting myself where I’m at.

Parenting isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about being willing to show up, to learn, and to keep trying.